


To Feel Human

by Dainslaif



Series: Covered in Cowardice [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Continuation, Hook's return, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-13
Updated: 2013-12-13
Packaged: 2018-01-04 12:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dainslaif/pseuds/Dainslaif
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter Pan's memory is failing him. He can remember the eyes but not the face of the man who had visited him so long ago. He misses that image, the way that man made him feel, but he can't cling to distant memory forever...</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Feel Human

And for a moment there he almost wanted to grow up…

As the sun set and the children begged for their mothers again, as they always had, Pan looked upon them with nothing but fiery indifference. Somewhere inside him he knew it was wrong to feel nothing for them, not even the slightest hint of pity, but it was hard to feel anything anymore. He dared even believe that there was nothing but ice in his heart. The thought brings a sneer to his lips, a discontented smile at his own damn glibness.

He hadn’t felt alive in a very, very long time. He could recall it—a face, the sails of a ship, a smile… It had been the last time he had been _happy_ to see another face, to play a game. Perhaps he should have been nicer to the man who had come, with his brother? Should he recall the scenario correctly? It hadn’t been so long that time would have washed the memory away, and yet he still clung to it in a desperate attempt to remember. “I’m going off the think,” he announced, his voice cut through the camp like a knife, some of the younger boys flinched and the older ones hardly seemed to care.

Except for darling Felix.

That boy was wrapped tight around his finger. Each time he would decide to go off to think he always half wondered “Is the going to be the time he begs to come with me?” so far Felix never did, but he did always seem like a lost puppy. It was almost cute, the amount of loyalty that Felix had. Cute and pathetic. To add insult to injury he drifts past Felix, the tips of his fingers just barely brushing the wild blonde mess of hair in his wake.

Pan could never be sure if Felix clung to the idea of a ‘them’—Pan and Felix against the world. It was a sweet fantasy, but ultimately just that—a fantasy that Pan could never rightfully indulge. He was never meant to be with another. Even the mystery man who haunted him in his dreams could never be so lucky. He was far too selfish. He never wanted to share anything with anyone, not even his son. Love just didn’t exist in his heart.

It really was just that simple.

The closest thing he felt to love was the obsession nestled in his heart for blue eyes and the smell of the sea. His feet had carried him to his tree; muscle memory helped him climb up the knobbed branches without even a thought. The higher he climbed the clearer he felt those blue eyes become, to the point where he swore he could almost picture the face. A tortured angel, despair and heartache, an unconditional love painted in those eyes as blue as the sea. 

No, he didn’t love, but he could obsess and fixate. Could, did, always would. It was a part of his charm. As he climbed to the top and made himself at home amongst the leaves and flowers he quietly plucked a bud from its perch, stripped away the petals without point or purpose. It gave his hands something to do but it hardly stopped his mind from whirling, frantically in search through every corner of his mind to piece together that man who haunted him—to find him once more.

And Pan never failed, never. Even in the harshest moments of desperation he would find a way to win, to have whatever he wanted—whether it be the boy he sought to the ends of all the realms or the faceless eyes that troubled his dreams like a far off whisper—he never failed. He brought his thumb to his lips and looked down at the small strips of flower that littered his lap, the pink petals look more like parts of a jigsaw puzzle than anything else. 

With a sigh he brushed them off and watched as they spun and drifted down in the wind. In that moment he had clarity, he saw, for the briefest of seconds, the face he tried so hard to hold on to. It was as though even the wind mocked him in his forgetfulness. It was enough to make him grin. He did so adore when something fought back, presented a challenge.

While he may have immediately forgot the face he revelled in the feel of the moment, the moment where he felt human again. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the mighty trunk of the tree, legs draped over either side of the branch. The realisation jarred him, how very rare it was for him to feel like a human. His smile broadens as his heart sped. To be human again.

The familiar sent of magic filled the air and Pan blinked his eyes open. Magic? He knitted his brow and got to his feet, supported by the trunk he scanned across the island, but it was the sea that caught his eye. White sails, and high above the rest a black flag flown in a skull and crossbones. Pan tilted his head, breath caught in his throat as his heart leapt. For a moment he had dared to dream, hadn’t he?

Still, it meant that someone new was in Neverland, someone who most certainly did not belong. Since when were pirates interested in Neverland? 

He climbed down from his throne, fell to the earth with a quieted huff and patted himself for dust. He had to look presentable now, did he not? 

He had but barely made it back to camp when the Lost Boys had bombarded him with questions. “Who are those people?” “Have they come for us?” 

Pan smirked and rested his hand on his dagger; fingers curled the hilt in anticipation. “We’ll have to give our guests a warm welcome. Won’t we, Felix?” he eyed the tall lost boy and grinned at him, amused by the half-grin Felix flashed in response. His version of a “Yes.”

He round up a small band of boys and lead them through the thick of the forest down to the coastline; they hid amongst rock and tree as Pan loomed closer to the ship that weighed anchor not far from the shoreline.

Situated up on a tall rock in order to better get a look at the ship Peter Pan half turned to Felix. “Tie up the crew,” he drawled, his eyes never left the ship even for a moment as he spoke and an unkind smile twisted on his lips. “Bring them below deck. But don’t hurt them. We want the dear pirates to like us. Isn’t that right boys?” He felt it pertinent to add, his voice dripped in an almost venomous command, “leave the Captain to me.”

“Understood, Pan,” Felix bowed and motioned for the boys to ready the dinghies. As they did Pan conjured up a robe to hide his face, quietly clung to the hope that perhaps… Normally he would not indulge fantasies such as those, but those eyes… they spoke to him with increased frequency, tempted him with something the princely demon could not quite place.

They flew a white flag, Pan sat in the back of Felix’s craft and his fingers danced lazily in the water behind them as another pair of boys rowed the boat. 

It was almost laughable how easily they had been allowed onto the boat, but the pirates likely didn’t think that a bunch of children were much of a threat to them. As they boarded Pan stayed to the back, his head down as he looked over each face of the pirate crew with a discerned and intense gaze. None held the blue that dogged his dreams—both in the day and the night.

“We would like to speak with your captain,” Pan blinked as he snapped from his reverie, disappointment settled in the pit of his stomach as his right-hand man spoke.

“Well then lad I should say you found the right man.” 

Pan felt his heart stop as he stared into the eyes of the captain.

“Last time I was here in Neverland there was but one boy, and you certainly aren’t him,” the soft soles of the captain’s boots crept against the wood ship deck with nothing but the wood to whine under his weight.

Before Pan could even fathom what he did he pulled the string around his neck, the cloak fell and pooled at his feet before it vanished magically. “You sure have grown, Captain…” he moved closer, almost in awe of the man who stood before him. In a daring move he rested his hand on the pirate captain’s shoulder, a flood of memories poured into his brain and made his head spin but it certainly didn’t stop the grin.

The eyes, the face… it took all of Peter’s willpower to keep his fingers to himself and fight the urge to kiss that wormed its way into his head from somewhere as it all rushed back and his heart swelled. He felt human again.

“Killian Jones, Captain Killian Jones.” The smugness rolled off of Hook in waves and Peter felt the strong desire to contain it, make the pirate his own.

“Pleasure, Captain Jones. Let’s play a game…”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this one after I wrote Sweet Reunion, but this one technically comes first.... I don't know why my brain does the things it does, it just does it. Anyways, I'm building up to something! Enjoy. <3


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